THE SPOOKENING
A giant, gleaming 2018 reg. Range Rover pulls up in front of a giant, gleaming 1918 reg. mansion.
A perfect, all-American couple exits the vehicle in slow-mo. They are MR. CEMENT WHITE (50’s, hot, lithe and impossibly muscular, looks like he could punch a building over) and MRS. MADISON WHITE (20’s, even hotter, the body of a 12-year-old gymnast but with like, giant tits).
MADISON:
Oh sweetie, it’s perfect!
CEMENT:
HAHA! What did I tell you? You should always trust me, your ever-faithful husband!
They make out for 2 and a half minutes.
MADISON:
Kids! Come look at your new home!
Three attractive, all-American children and a beautiful, all-American German Shephard emerge from the car. They are FORTUNE (16, Typical, all-American teenage girl, blonde, stupid hot, played by someone roughly 5 years younger than her mother), DALSTON-KINGSLAND (14, all-American teenage boy, a real piece of work, should be on the no-fly list) and 9/11 (6-year-old girl, sweet-as-pie, probably can see ghosts I would imagine).
FORTUNE is texting on two rose gold iPhone X’s at the same time whilst wearing a VR headset.
FORTUNE:
Ugh! Why did you make me move to this hillbilly town! I can’t get 4G! You guys are worse than Fritzl!
CEMENT:
HAHA! Oh, teens!
DALSTON-KINGSLAND emerges from the car in a sea of fidget spinners with a semi-automatic rifle. He immediately shoots a near-by farmer’s horse, dead.
DALSTON-KINGSLAND:
TAKE THAT NATURE!
MADISON and CEMENT hold each other, smiling and proud.
MADISON:
Boys will be boys!
All three dab.
9/11 approaches the house cautiously. She is clutching a deeply unsettling one-eyed doll that no child would ever actively want. She sees a bloody message written on the side of the house: “DON’T STAY HERE, THIS PLACE IS EXTREMELY HAUNTED YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE”. MADISON turns to see what her daughter is looking at.
MADISON: (breathlessly)
9/11? What’s wrong, baby?
The message has been altered to read “LOL JK” at the end. She gasps a sigh of relief.
Suddenly CRYSTAL EXPOSITION (60’s, black, witchy, covered in gem stones) walks out a near-by hedge.
CRYSTAL:
Why hello there, neighbours! My name is Crystal Exposition, the town’s local psychic or whatever, what a charming white family you are!
MADISON: (unperturbed)
Oh hello, Crystal! We’re the Whites! I’m Madison, this is my hubby, Cement, our daughter, Fortune (FORTUNE rolls her eyes so far back that they come back round again), that’s our boy, Dalston-Kingsland (DALSTON is beating up a passing cyclist) and this is 9/11. (9/11’s head spins round 360 degrees and she says something backwards in Latin).
CEMENT:
Kids, where’s your brother?
MADISON:
Oh, our youngest son, Donald Trump Junior Jr has a non-descript illness for cheap sympathy but will add nothing to the plot.
DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR JR is lowered from the back of the Ranger Rover in an iron lung. He makes a loud BEEP and everyone laughs jovially.
CRYSTAL:
What brings you folks to Ancient Indian Burial Ground HellmouthTown?
MADISON: (clutching her husband’s chest as a fan softly blows her hair)
Oh, you know we just wanted to get out of the City™! This old dolt is a tortured artist working on his first novel.
CEMENT looks directly at the sun and glares
CRYSTAL:
And what do you do, my dear?
MADISON:
Oh, I sometimes go downstairs on moonlit nights in a silk robe and play the piano whilst reminiscing about a piece of music I once heard in my childhood.
CRYSTAL looks at the couple, their brand new Range Rover and their giant house
CRYSTAL:
(deadpan) Oh that’s cool, I work three jobs and I can barely afford electricity.
MADISON:
(laughs) Oh, Crystal you are spirited! I can tell we are going to be great friends before your untimely death in Act 2.
CRYSTAL:
Speaking of spirits, this house is crazy haunted. You probably should never have come.
CEMENT: (immediately incredibly defensive)
BULLSHIT! GHOSTS AREN’T REAL!
CEMENT storms inside with all four children and the dog and slams the front door behind them
MADISON looks worried and clutches a giant crucifix necklace, her volumous hair blows more intensely
MADISON:
Sorry about him, Cement once had a bad experience with murderous ghosts as a child so we’ve decided to not believe in them as a family.
CRYSTAL:
(Coco Montrese voice) I’m not joking, bitch.
MADISON:
(Hugging her tightly) Thank you so much for your council, Crystal but I’m sure we’ll all be absolutely fine.
Suddenly, the dog flies out of an upstairs window into a pylon and explodes.