BY POPULAR DEMAND (one person asked me about it), this small, poorly put-together blog is back to deliver my trash opinions on the best picture nominees. With the Oscars being less than a week away and me actually having a job this year, I decided to go for the listicle approach. We love a Buzzfeed (lazy) queen.
8. Bohemian Rhapsody
WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THIS NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE AT THE OSCARS!!!!?????? CHRIST. It's a sanitised, straight-washed, jarring, poorly-written, bloated carcass of a movie. It's like the people making it had one time seen that 'Don't Stop Me Now' Cadburys advert and got half way into production before they realised what they were doing. I mean, that's before you even mention the fact that BRYAN SINGER, a man who has been accused of the rapes of multiple minors, is still not only allowed to make movies, but like, be viable for the one of the highest accolades in film? Have we learned nothing? Oh sorry, they subbed him out last minute with the guy from Hotel Babylon. It's chill, soz, my bad.
It's shit. It's bad. It shoots for the absolute middle. It's the Big Bang Theory of biopics. It's Richard Curtis levels of clunky. It does a disservice to one of the most recognisable queer men in the world. Poor Rami Malek has to do the whole thing with joke shop false teeth in. I mean. What more can I say? It's out on DVD now, snap it up, hun.
7. Green Book
White saviour nonsense from the guy that brought you Dumb and Dumber. Pass.
6. Vice
God I love these kinds of films. Can't wait for next year's 'Drumpf'; an all-white produced butter knife-sharp satire of the current White House. It'll feature Kevin Spacey in a redemptive role as ol' Don and a cast of exactly no one who has been remotely affected by the current government. Ha ha ha, we all laugh at edgy Trump oompa loompa jokes for two and a half hours as the wall slowly blocks out the sun. Kellyanne Conway (played by Kate Upton) will appear in a bathtub at one point to explain why blue lives might matter after all. Remember when Christian Bale pushed him mum down the stairs? No, me neither.
5. A Star is Born
I'm trying to think of a situation in which you'd find yourself in a room of 99 dissenters and one person who wholeheartedly believes in you, and all I can think of is when a drunk white girl gets on stage at karaoke and does the entirety of gangsta's paradise whilst her one friend films the entire thing and occasionally shouts 'yaaasss queeennn'. In this instance, Bradley Cooper believed that Lady Gaga would help him make an Oscar winning masterpiece. In both cases it may be a majority rules situation, soz huns.
Like, it's fine? It's one of those films where you occasionally look around the cinema in the dark and go "god, this is long innit?" and then snap back in when a good song comes on or Shangela pops up and screams. Lady Gaga is fine. Her character is simultaneously a volatile nut job and an incredibly passive vessel for Bradley Cooper's **much more important** arc. Bradley is also.. fine? It's just I've seen that down-on-his-luck-hard-drinking-gravely-voiced-super-serious-wears-a-cowboy-hat character like... I think, in every film I've ever seen? So I wasn't hugely invested. So *SPOILER* when he dies I just didn't care. I looked around the cinema at people dry heaving and sobbing their guts out their eyes and felt like a true psychopath. Personally, I thought a darker, more bittersweet ending could have worked, in which Gaga, a talented, albeit, throwaway pop star is finally recognised as an 'artist' in the wake of her husband's death. Because to be universally respected, the public wants you to have suffered, right? It could have been an interesting critique on the culture of 'stardom' and given us a more conflicted ending. But no, she's just sad. The song's a belter though.
P.S. Using drag queens/ queer culture as set dressing in a straight character's story isn't good representation. It just further others us and makes us secondary. Did she once like, thank them, reference them, use a skill or piece of knowledge she'd acquired from them? No. Don't get me wrong, it was fun seeing Willam get his tits signed but at what cost, Willam!? AT WHAT COST?
4. BlackkKlansman
I haven't seen this, I'll be honest. I'm going to give it a midway placement because it has to be better than those last four.
3. The Favourite
I love me some Yorgos. Shame this isn't ENTIRELY him, then. The macabre elements and tone are definitely reminiscent of his earlier works but I was missing the full auteur Yorgos horror show experience. Olivia Colman is truly fantastic and Rachel Weisz's steely bisexual glances are something to behold. Emma Stone is objectively doing well here but the film may have benefited more from a young unknown in the role, so you're slightly more taken aback by Abigail's transformation? Emma Stone is a witty and engaging presence so you just know she's got more up her sleeve than just a cheeky fingering.
I really enjoyed The Favourite but it did leave me wanting. Whereas something like Killing Of A Sacred Deer links arms with you and strides so confidently into its grotesque world that you're left absolutely bewildered afterwards, this just played it a little too safe for me. Rachel and Olivia's enduring, cruel, sad love was believable and heartbreaking and the final scene was desolate and great but I just wanted it to fuck me up a bit more, I'm sorry.
2. Black Panther
I really like Black Panther. I'm a little bitch for a superhero movie, I enjoy them a lot, to me they evoke that childhood joy of big event cinema, it's just all adrenaline and excitement. But if you asked me what happened in say, Thor 2? I would have literally no idea. They're an in-the-moment fun but ultimately empty genre for me.
Black Panther doesn't fundamentally rewrite the rule book on this, the familiar tone, narrative beats, set pieces and action are all there but its lasting impact is its cultural and political significance. The genre is mainstream and familiar but the voice is refreshingly different. Marvel could have easily (and I'm honestly still surprised they didn't) made this a white-made film with a white lens but thankfully they gave it to Ryan Coogler who knew the significance of what he was making and absolutely ran with it. It has one of the most nuanced and interesting villains in not only a Marvel film but in any mainstream blockbuster movie. It's a film that elevates its characters, makes them exciting and inspirational whilst not forgetting the difficulty of the climate in which it exists. On a technical level it's not without its flaws, it has pacing issues and it's a bit bloated in the middle but overall it's fabulous fun. The lasting impact of this film on a generation of kids seeing a mainstream, big-budget, box-office conquering superhero that looks like them however, will surely be immeasurable.
1. Roma
Oh, Roma. You little darling. My favourite kinds of films are ones which take time to draw you in, enveloping you in images, sounds and feelings. When a film can make you feel something from the slightest glance or the most subtle gesture because you are so invested in what has been created on screen, that's the real T. Roma is light on plot but fully submerges you in its world. It's gorgeous to look at and best experienced in a cinema (Netflix won't do it justice). It's sweet, heart breaking and human. It's just fab.
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Coulda Shoulda Woulda:
The Best Picture category is... weird this year. Like a strange mix of crowd pleasers and obvious choices, these all got riggamorris'd:
1. You Were Never Really Here
A gorgeous, dreamlike meditation on trauma, pain and what it means to be human. Lynne Ramsay is one of the greatest living filmmakers but sure, nominate Bohemian Rhapsody.
2. Annihilation
Another bizarre, dreamlike, beautiful wonder of a film. Taking Sci-Fi and Horror conventions and inverting, distorting and evolving them (hehe) into something altogether more interesting. It's arresting and gorgeous and works your puss out, girl.
3. A Fantastic Woman
An admittedly hard watch, a Fantastic Woman is film about humanity, tenacity and endurance. It's gorgeous, difficult but ultimately uplifting and has a terrific central performance from Daniela Vega.
4. Can You Ever Forgive Me?
I know it's up elsewhere but this was a real snub for the big boy prize. Should have been subtitled 'The Gays Ruin Yet Another Thing', great performances, great script, interesting flawed characters. Loved it.
5. Suspiria
Don't you dare @ me, I fucking loved it. The original is fabulous but this is a completely different movie. I hated Call Me By Your Name but Guadagnino ticked all my boxes with this. Such a strange, sensual, visceral, phantasmagorical film. It's basically a film that reminded me how much I love film. I know people say it's arsey and pretentious but I think that's just a lazy way of saying it's different and difficult. Compared to an actually pretentious film like Mother which is all wanky style, a 2D metaphor for the bible and absolutely nothing to say; Suspiria is like visual poetry, endlessly inventive, creative and layered. It's fucking great. And I would fully let Tilda murder me fyi if you're reading, hun, I'll turn my location on.
6. Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle
FUCK YEAH I LOVE JUMANJI
My Picks For The Other Categories (that I care about):
Best Actress
Melissa McCarthy
(Justice for Ghostbusters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Best Supporting Actress
Rachel Weisz/ Regina King
(Both fab)
Best Actor
Willam Dafoe?
(what was he even in? I hope he played the Green Goblin again)
Best Supporting Actor
Richard E Grant
(lad)
Director
Yorgos Lanthimos
(my boy)
Original Screenplay
The Favourite
(They say 'cunt' a lot)
Adapted Screenplay
Can You Ever Forgive Me?
(They also say 'cunt')
Foreign Language
Shoplifters
(Wrecked)
Best Animated Feature
Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse
(Fuck yeah. This was so good. We love Miles, he is our boy. Wreck It Ralph 2 and Incredibles 2 sucked, fuck you)
Original Song
Shallow (A Star Is Born)
(I'm gay, I obviously sing this all the time)