Quentin Quarantino (#1)
In these trying times we need distractions. From scary news alerts to rumours about Boris sending tanks to London to kill Prince Phillip (I think), everything feels frightening right now. This is why we need to plug Netflix directly into our brains and turn anxiety about job insecurity into anxiety about Jessica from 'Love Is Blind' getting wine drunk with her dog.
Kind of like the Matrix but instead of karate you learn how to do a french tuck to spark joy.
Because of this, I have taken on the onerous task of watching all of Netflix and letting you know what is and isn't worth watching. I am a martyr for the cause, a modern day Joan of Arc, but instead of being burned at the stake I endured all eight episodes of 'The Stranger'.
Delete the news apps off your phone and read this instead xxx.
Tessa Young is a dedicated student, dutiful daughter and loyal girlfriend to her high school sweetheart. Entering her first semester of college, Tessa's guarded world opens up when she meets Hardin Scott, a mysterious and brooding rebel who makes her question all she thought she knew about herself -- and what she wants out of life.
If, like me, you miss other people right now, then After is the film for you. By the end of this torturous 1 - 3 hours (you truly lose track of time) you'll be making sure your doors are locked and your curtains are shut. If other people are like the characters in After, then the world is truly not worth saving.
The film follows Tessa, a kind, overachieving, model-pretty loser who begins her first semester in College Town, USA. Tessa just wants to keep her head down and study all four main books from the GCSE Lit syllabus but unfortunately, this is a college full of sexy bad asses!!! Good luck, bitch!
The film's characters are split into two distinct groups: badass-rebels-who-ask-every-person-they-meet-if-they-are-a-virgin-fuck-the-system-tiktok-this-lil-ass-get-ur-tits-out-yolo and boring virgins. Although every single character behaves as if their brain is slowly being eaten by a parasite so it's hard to distinguish any real character traits anyway. It is a nightmare. For instance, the film opens with Little Miss Priss moving into her new dorm room accompanied by her uptight mother and cuck boyfriend. We are introduced to her new roommate (who I think was just wearing a bra?) listening to cool teen music, doing tarot and smoking a weed vape, go OFF queen! The roommate (you never learn her name) immediately announces that she will get Tessa a fake ID and tells her she's never read a book in her life. Iconic slay. Despite Tessa's loser mom's pleas to change rooms, this good-girl-going-bad decides to be taken under roommate's wing and goes to an epic alcohol party where she meets bad boy, Hardin and all hell breaks loose!
(NB: 'Hell' meaning 'she enjoys an incredibly tepid chemistry-free time with this boy for a bit where nothing of any meaning happens and there are no stakes')
(NB: 'Hardin' is his actual name. We are supposed to believe that someone looked into an innocent baby's eyes and said yes, I'm going to name you after a shit Pokemon move)
After joins the Fifty Shades franchise in the newly formed 'films based on horny teen fan fiction' genre. Whereas Fifty Shades was a horny Twilight, After, is a horny Harry Styles fantasy fic. Hardin Scott/ Harry Styles? He's British for some reason? He has tattoos? It all makes sense. (NB: nothing makes sense). The thing is though, Fifty Shades had it's niche with all the 'BDSM' (in massive inverted commas) sex stuff, After meanwhile, is aimed at teenagers so it's the same film but without the 'sex'. In essence it's just lots of nicely shot scenes of attractive people making out in various settings, meaning the finished product resembles a feature length Paco Rabanne advert. Don't get me wrong, there is PG 'sex' in it but it's so tame they might as well not even have bothered. At one point Tessa leaves her boyfriend sleeping in bed to go find Hardin who then motts her out fully clothed for less than 10 seconds by a swimming pool. It's bizarre. Later, when her mom barges in to her college dorm room unannounced, Tessa is essentially just sitting on Hardin's knee. This is enough to spiral the virgin mom though, who reacts to this by financially cutting Tessa off (in her first semester of college) to get her to focus on school, meaning Tessa has no choice but to move in to Hardin's MADE.com showroom apartment off campus? ??? Brain parasite.
Hardin himself is a real treat. Hero Fiennes-Tiffin (a name actually worse than Hardin) does the kind of acting that should be the final nail in the coffin for nepotism hires. Why is Ralph Fiennes' nephew a working actor? Who paid who and how much? This poor boy has the range of a toy ruler won in a Poundshop Christmas cracker. He makes Christian Grey look like Mary-Louise in Big Little Lies (the pinnacle of acting I'm afraid). To be fair to him, the character is written atrociously. Like Christian, he is a rich, emotionally abusive psychopath with by a sad childhood who is as aloof as he is uninteresting. BUT - crucially - he's sensitive. And how does the writer show that he's sensitive? Motherfucker has also read all four books on the GCSE Lit syllabus. One astounding scene sees Tessa walk into his bedroom (uninvited) where he has a union jack hanging on his wall (chic) and... wait for it... a copy of Wuthering Heights. You couldn't write this stuff, but unfortunately someone did.
After leaves us with many unanswered questions. How did this get made? Why does Tessa's professor give her Hardin's submitted university essay? Why did Hardin submit a university essay that is just about a girl he has known for less than 3 months and not about the assigned topic? 'After' what? There is a sequel due later this year which may answer some of these questions but more likely will be killed off by the coronavirus. Pandemics aren't all bad, bby.