Quentin Quarantino (#2)
I'm going to go ahead and say of course you should watch this show. It's the best kind of reality TV: fucking stupid. Every single person on it is mad (except Lauren) and the format is mind boggling. People sit in isolated pods (too real) and make connections with people based solely on their conversation. After agreeing to marry each other before ever meeting (obviously) they go on a 'pre-honeymoon', move in together and then go straight ahead and get married, all within the space of ...3 weeks? It's mind-numbingly stupid and fantastic in equal measure. A show who's conceit is that love is built on connection and not physical appearance, but casts exclusively conventionally attractive, able-bodied, mostly rich white people who build connections over niche interests like beef and having gone to the same location once.
But no reality show really takes off the ground without compelling characters and Love Is Blind can't move for unhinged narcissists and cucks. So I've decided to rank them all from worst to best. Don't argue with me.
(Spoilers)
17. Damian
Through no coincidence at all, Damian has the same name as the son of the devil because he is what? From hell. He has by far the most cringey pod-posal and carries himself as a world-weary divorced father of 3 when in reality he is like 26 or something. He is the kind of man who will bemoan that chivalry is dead whilst in the same breath cutting you off to tell you that abortion is un-American. He frequently ignores Giannina's legitimate concerns and instead smoothes everything over by pouring paper rose petals everywhere. After using that trick once, every time after should just be classed as littering. He's the type of straight man who thinks the pinnacle of romance is a "relaxing" helicopter ride. He's the worst and he needs to crawl back to where he came from (Hell).
Category: Lawful Evil
16. 'Rory'
I am slightly obsessed with Rory. Apparently a contestant but didn't seem to go on a single date, instead he just gave all the men unsolicited life advice. Was he a dater? Was he a producer? Was he a collective fever dream? I like to think he was Kenny's granddad, sent through time to give him dating advice at the behest of Vanessa Lachey. I think that's the most appropriate conclusion. He still lives in the pod apartment to this day. Waiting.
Category: True Neutral
15. Carlton
I don't buy the biphobia angle for a second, Carlton is a bastard. He was in the wrong and positioning Diamond as a bigot without giving her any space to respond properly is bullshit. Lest we forget how he was treating her in the hotel room before the infamous fight at the pool. I don't doubt he has struggled with his sexuality but don't try and gaslight Atlanta's finest Basketball Dancer, sweets. No thank you. And that psuedo-proposal apology at the reunion? Yikes.
Category: Chaotic Evil
14. Barnett
Barnett is positioned as the 'lothario' of the group, with over three unstable women lusting after him in the pods. He is the kind of straight man who will categorise himself as the 'funny' one which translates as him telling a stranger that her name makes her sound like a stripper. Oh, and he owns a ukulele. Over the course of the show Amber swiftly stamps whatever personality he had out of him and by the reunion he is simply a lobotomised slab of meat. What he deserves.
Category: Neutral Evil
13. Mark
Oh Mark. Mark is the 'nice guy' (read: cuck) of the show. You start off feeling a bit bad for him being strung along by Jessica, but after a while the schtick runs thin. She can only do so much stringin'. Mark purposefully ignores every single sign that Jessica isn't interested including her telling him she isn't interested. Mark thinks maturity is telling everyone that you're mature, when really it is owning more than one pillow and not going on a reality TV marriage show at the age of 24.
Category: Lawful Good
12. Cameron
I just can't get over the fact that Cameron is... really creepy? From the indistinct job title of 'scientist' to the glazed expression and constantly open mouth. I just worry that he wandered onto the set by mistake because he smelled human flesh. I'm happy that Lauren is happy but I'm not going to be shocked when the next Netflix show he's in is a true crime limited series. Oh, and the rapping... babe.
Category: True Neutral
11. Kenny
Kenny is nice and completely forgettable. And that's... really it.
Category: ???
10. Kelly
I have never seen this woman before in my life. Sorry to this woman.
Category: ???
9. Vanessa & Nick Lachey
Nick and Vanessa are the harbingers of doom. They will present the apocalypse. Who are they? What do they want? Vanessa is super villain vibes and Nick is a bag of hazardous meat. You can tell she's plotting something and Nick is just there to take the fall when she flees, never to be seen again. Where does presenting Love Is Blind factor in her nefarious scheme? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Category: Lawful Evil & Lawful Potato respectively
8. Amber
We've moved into the upper tier here. Amber is phenomenal. Completely detached from reality, constantly threatening people, at some point in the past affiliated with military-grade weaponry. What a find. The scene outside the bachelorette party where she drunkenly sobs to camera about marrying her best friend of three weeks? Brilliant. When she plonks herself down atop Barnett's kitchen counter and declares that she'll require a bigger house than this right after disclosing she doesn't have a job and is in thousands of dollars of debt? Legend. Coming back all guns blazing at the reunion baying for Jessica's blood? Iconic.
Category: Chaotic Neutral
7. Milady
Giannina's mom is flawless. She doesn't wish they'd got married and been happy, instead she says "Ideally you would have said no and he would have said yes". She wants Damian's pain as much as I do. This is how you support your children.
Category: Chaotic Good
6. Diamond
I am a Diamond-did-nothing-wrong truther. Diamond was great and deserved someone much better than Carlton. She may have left single but at least she got to hoy an engagement ring into a swimming pool and dump someone via Beyonce lyrics. Queen.
Category: Chaotic Good
5. Papa Speed
The only character in the Love Is Blind Extended Universe that seems to be aware that everything happening is completely insane. His scene with Cameron was high drama and he actually just seems like a really cool dad. And his name is Papa Speed. Great tbh.
Category: Lawful Good
4. Jessica
All hail Jessica. The villain we deserved. Watching the mental gymnastics Jessica does to try and justify her behaviour is like watching an extreme sport. She's inexplicably rich, loves the finer things in life (wine), wants what she can't have, considers herself too old to find love but still lures men to their doom. She is a modern day Miss Havisham. Rarely do you see reality TV contestants get as bladdered as Jessica and her dog and make as many terrible mistakes. You might hate her but you definitely relate to her.
Category: Chaotic Evil
3. Jessica's Dog
This poor thing is surely dead by now.
Category: Dog
2. Lauren
Lauren is the main character, she's the breakout star and the show's happy ending. She may have chosen to marry Buffalo Bill but unlike everyone else she's rational, sane, cool and kind. Honestly it's strange that she chose to go on in the first place but good for her it all worked out.
Category: Lawful Good
1. Giannina Milady Gibelli
If Lauren is the hero and Jessica is the villain then Giannina is the cataclysmic event that destroys the world. She is the only person who doesn't appear to be on a reality show, instead she behaves like she's starring in a one-woman off-broadway play. She never has any meaningful interactions with other daters, she just kind of shows up around episode 3 where she is the subject to one of the weirdest pod-posals and proceeds to perform her heart out for the rest of the piece. She often monologues whilst holding a knife "you said I was the best sex of your life, did you notice I never returned the compliment" and speaks in an intonation that is reminiscent of no dialect on Earth. She is fantastic. She is high drama, high camp, all performance. I am desperate to know what star sign she is.
Category: Pure Chaos
