Quentin Quarantino (#3)
This week (I have lost track of time almost entirely) I tried to review this nightmare of a show but decided it was completely impossible. Tiger King defies categorisation and boring binary concepts like 'good' or 'bad', it's a complete fever dream that you need to experience for yourself. Things that would usually anchor a true crime documentary like murder or arson pale in comparison to everything that unfolds here. Just watch it. And after you're done, find out which character I've assigned you based on your star sign.
Astrology isn't an exact science, it's the only science (that I respect), so these are all factually accurate and indisputable I'm afraid.
Aries - Doc Antle
A sex cult-owning, quick-tempered polygamist with a God complex? It could only be Aries. The most assertive and aggressive sign in the zodiac, an Aries is a hell of a good time but with an emphasis on ‘hell’. They can be domineering and rabid in pursuit of a goal and like Doc, don’t seem to take no for an answer. In normal people this manifests itself as “no, you are coming out tonight, babe, get ready I’ve already called a ViaVan” (they’re also thrifty), in Doc it’s more like “no you’re not going home, you’re going to legally change your name and get breast implants”. Luckily his zoo was raided by police in December, if anyone belongs in jail it’s ol’ Bhagavan.
Pisces - Howard Baskin
A Piscean "strives to connect with the ethereal and experience heaven on earth", unfortunately for Howard he connected with Carole. A Pisces in love will be entirely devoted to their partner, able and willing to adapt to every one of their needs. Unfortunately again for poor Howard, this means dressing up as a sexy tiger on a leash and posing for a Facebook photo album inevitably entitled “Carole’s naughtiest kitty”. Howard’s the sort of man you can’t imagine ever having sex and then suddenly - bam - its George Galloway in Celebrity Big Brother all over again. Whatever they get up to in the bedroom you know for a fact it’s heinous. He seems like a reasonable enough man when you first meet him, so you can’t help but wonder if he does what he’s told because he’s acutely aware of that meat grinder in the garage and Carole’s ‘sardine sauce in the shoe’ trick.
Libra - John Finley
Only a sweet heterosexual Libra would allow their crotch to be privately owned by a flamboyant gun-toting gay zookeeper. Joe is one of the more mellow and level-headed characters in Tiger King and like a Libra, is dependable, harmonious and has a great deal of patience. God bless him. However, they are also known to make promises they can’t keep. Like the wedding vows you take in a gay polygamist marriage despite being straight, for instance.
Virgo - John Reinke
Sweet John is the tiger park’s dutiful manager. Like a true Virgo, John is diligent, wise and hard working, begrudgingly putting out all of the fires Joe sets (literally and metaphorically). Virgo’s can always be relied on to make the best of a bad situation; be it having your legs amputated, alligator arson or your zoo being stolen. They always bounced back, bless em.
Sagittarius - Travis
Sagittarians are fun-loving, restless, optimistic adventurers who often take impulsive leaps in life with varying degrees of success. Unfortunately for him, Travis’ impulsive leap was moving to Oklahoma and marrying Joe Exotic.
It’s also extremely Sag to have your balls mentioned at your funeral in front of your mum.
Cancer - The Lewis Ladies
Cancerians are family-focused and sensitive but with a tendency to be emotionally-lead, suspicious people who hold a grudge like a motherfucker. This brings us to Don Lewis’ ex-wife and two daughters who know for damn sure Carole killed Don and they’re going to all climb into one armchair and tell you about it.
Gemini - James the Narc
This guy sucks. He’s just as culpable as Joe (ish) but like a true Gemini, his love of gossip and drama ended up turning him into a sellout bootlicker (can you tell who’s side I’m on). Generally a good time, Gemini’s can be fun, open-minded and sociable but in James’ case he couldn’t resist a secret recording device. He did ride out of the show on a speedboat though, can’t not respect that.
Capricorn - Jeff Lowe
I’m truly sorry to the Capricorns but no one fits the brief of ‘ambitious, materialistic and ruthless’ better than Jeff Lowe. He is the true villain of the Tiger King Extended Universe with no bizarre quirk to distract you from his bad deeds like the rest of them. Carole has her weirdly sexual fur-cosplay, Doc Antle has the given name 'Bhagavan', Joe has… absolutely everything. Jeff is just a plain bad guy with the worst fashion sense in the show. A bold claim, but it’s true. Look at that weird scarf/ hat combo and try and tell me otherwise.
Taurus - Saff
A Taurus is a down-to-earth, unshakeable friend who is hard-working and good natured. They are also known to be extremely stubborn and resistant to change. Saff, for instance, got her arm ripped off by a tiger and returned to work within the week because she ain’t no quitter. She should probably have sued and started a quiet new life away from giant, dangerous carnivores (and Joe Exotic). Maybe she just really likes expired meat, who knows.
Scorpio - Allen Glover
The tricksy Scorpio is known to be intuitive, suspicious and manipulative. A sign that loves the extremes in life; a Scorpio hates routine, so when things get too vanilla they like to stir the pot and create some drama. Usually said drama isn’t a poorly thought out plot to drive-by a crazed cat-enthusiast on her morning cycle, but hey, a Scorp’s a Scorp.
Scorpio’s are also proud water signs which explains why Allen thought a suitable place to be interviewed for a true crime documentary was in the bath.
Aquarius - Carole Baskin
Aquarians are born to work for a cause, they just love to be seen to be leading the way in altruistic pursuits. Crucially, they love to be seen to be leading the way, whether they actually are or not is inconsequential. Kind of like shooting a piece to camera calling for the end of big cats in cages, whilst the camera zooms out revealing a big cat in a cage directly behind you.
Carole takes the stereotype of a ‘cat person’ and runs with it faster than Britney Spears breaking Usain Bolt’s 100m record. She's an unhinged narcissist just like Joe but with a lot less self awareness and a lot more flower crowns. Oh and… she did it right? We all agree she did it.
Leo - Joe Exotic
Finally, the reason we’re all here. The man responsible for hundreds of tiger deaths, a botched murder-for-hire plot and several libellous Carole Baskin dis-tracks: Joe Exotic.
Only after completing a 7 hour long odyssey through the big cat owners of the American south can you look at Joe Exotic and be like, awww he’s alright really. Did he try and have a woman killed? Yes, but is he a bad person? Also kind of yes. But does he mean well? ...well, no, not really. But do his songs kind of bop? Absolutely.
Joe Exotic embodies everything a Leo is: a true over-the-top, flamboyant attention-seeker of the highest order. Leo’s see everything as a stage, including a dirty cage full of starving tigers. Oh, what’s that? They only survive on expired Walmart meat and just recently ripped someone’s arm clean off? Honey, build my throne right there. Owning 187 tigers, releasing 2 albums, filming thousands of salacious propaganda videos isn’t enough for you? Bam, he's also a magician. Leo’s love to be wanted, love to be adored and will embark on a narcissistic presidential campaign if left unchecked. So who better to represent them then a petty, meth-addled, country-singing, murderous zookeeper with two heterosexual husbands and a life sentence? He may have set some alligators on fire to cover up a crime but hun, who’s hasn’t?
Ok, literally everybody but give him a break, the world’s ended.