HERE IS A LIST OF FREE COMPLIMENTS THAT YOU CAN SAY TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE/LIKE. BUY OFF ME FOR £1.99 EACH PER USE, BUT THEY'RE FREE TO TAKE AND USE ON WHOEVER YOU WANT. ALL CREDIT TO ME. COPYRIGHT. I AM EXTREMELY LITIGIOUS AND IRRATIONAL. LOVE YOU XXX
1. You witch's blister
2. You cauldron full of charisma and a bit of piss
3. You goblin's doorknocker
4. You sentient car bonnet
5. You physical manifestation of a dolphin's grief
6. You digestive with a secret
7. You child's bucket and spade filled with the remains of the day
8. You DVD box set of the news
9. You vampires singles mixer
10. You beacon of dope
11. You unpaid gas bill
12. You bargain bin of misspelled tattoos
13. You naive meteor
14. You unassuming ladle full of a wizard's spell
15. You caravan full of bravery
16. You expired computers for schools voucher
17. You Kinder Egg filled with noxious gas 18. You teacher's pet except it's a real pet and the pet is all the deleted scenes from Captain America: The Winter Soldier
19. You signed picture of Pixie Lott left behind after a storm
20. You all-you-can eat buffet but all that's on offer is the Mitchell brothers' asses
21. You label maker who doesn't like labels
22. You sexy David Blaine poster in a missing child's bedroom
23. You printer with the confidence of a tumble dryer
24. You playground filled with unclaimed Lovehoney deliveries
25. You earnest misinterpretation of the water cycle
26. You Stephen Hawking except all he wants to talk about is Gemma Collins memes
27. You Tesco delivery of your nan's memories
28. You 'Teens React' video and the video they're reacting to is footage of their own deaths
29. You your brother's new partner who everyone's heard so much about but then he brings her to a family event and she turns out to be a Yugioh card
30. You roller coaster made of bread sticks but people willingly go on it and die because it was endorsed by Gigi Hadid
31. You Black Mirror episode but it's just CCTV footage of you fucking a computer
32. You Youtube comment left on a Princess Diana memorial video by a bear who simply can't grasp the gravity of what he has done
33. You profound chicken nugget ordered by a monk
34. You unlicensed taxidermist who's recreated your parents' wedding with dead rats
35. You DFS sale that takes place inside a pasta bake
36. You art teacher but he only teaches the art of seduction
37. You labia minora with Stockholm syndrome
38. You fun-sized pack of Mars bars except they're not Mars bars they're all your childhood regrets and there's nothing fun about that is there, Samantha?
39. You police horse who dreams of being a police siren
40. You culturally appropriative mini fridge
41. You hollow-eyed baby who's first word is 'asbestos'
42. You fun work anecdote that quickly turns into a shocking realisation about your Dad's past crimes
43. You your own family's Christmas card from another dimension in which you don't exist and instead they have a goofy talking dog and he's wearing your clothes
44. You the final, pivotal exam of your masters degree and you open the paper and the only question is: 'is Pepsi ok?'
45. You death certificate printed on the side of a frozen garlic bread
46. You underaged fossil
47. You David Attenborough documentary except he's a furry and you can tell that he's getting off on it
48. You pleasure yacht leased by Neptune and the boys for a long weekend on the Broads
49. You 'The Young Pope' but it's set in the future so it's just 'The Pope'
50. You signed permission slip from your mum permitting you to do anal with your Grindr hookup
51. You Jared Leto's Joker but he's only licensed to appear in the extended Chipmunks movie universe
52. You physically devastating sexual encounter with Lightning McQueen
53. You your mother's surprisingly chiseled obliques
56. You the excitement of inheriting your grandmother's gorgeous, carefully cultivated recipe book, yet when you open it you realise that for the past 50 years, instead of recipes she's just been drawing this:
MLXLS📷📷​​
57. You emergency oxygen tank filled with silly string
58. You your Dad's internet history mistakenly displayed on a motorway traffic board
59. You the next series of The Great British Bakeoff but it's only presented by Paul Hollywood because we're now knee-deep in the next reich, son.
60. You Virgin's Trains service that's just eight old Geordie women dragging you all the way to Doncaster on a carpet sample, and you still manage to get overcharged
61. You the thrill of saying "surprise me!" at a restaurant so the waiter just punches your date in the throat
62. You two-star trip adviser review of your daughter's birthday party
63. You art exhibition but it turns out to just be loads of candid HD shots of your face and you overhear people whispering about how "brave" it is
64. You pop-up seance
65. You all-female reboot of the moon landing
66. You £50 meet and greet wristband that you're forced to buy because its the only way you get to spend time with your birth mother
67. You 'Room Escape' but you'll never escape
68. You King Charles spaniel walking a muddy old man
69. You door-to-door salesman selling allergies
70. You crystal-clear recollection of your own birth
71. You Spanish-language remake of a dog getting put down
72. You ill-advised local theater production of Hotel Rwanda
73. You A-Level in mountain biking
74. You your dream guy but it turns out its just 3 fidget spinners in a trench coat
75. You industry-wide casting call for the role of "a lil bitch" and it's an exact description of you
76. You ASMR video of a bear attacking a village fête
77. You tattoo of a Vine
78. You seal with the physical limitations of a crab
79. You slug with the charisma of a golden retriever
80. You parrot with the emotional baggage of a goblin
81. You sequel to Inside Out set 60 years in the future where Riley has dementia
82. You dream catcher that live tweets your dreams to everyone in your class at school
83. You cursed Tinder app where every time you swipe left they die
84. You gorgeous dream wedding but instead of a personally written vow your fiance reads out an entire Goosebumps book
85. You misreading of a 'Free Hugs' sign and now you have a 300 pound sow to look after
86. You build-a-bear voice recording that reads the book from the Evil Dead out loud to your neice
87. You under-16's airport smoking lounge
88. You emergency meeting of Cobra called to discuss the Game of Thrones finale
89. You oyster card that's been topped up with gossip
90. You dick pic that inspires the truest form of pathos
91. You metaphorical washing machine filled with metaphorical dirty laundry
92. You temporary tattoo honouring a dead relative
93. You the pained look in your mother's eyes whenever someone mentions your name
94. You winning ticket for the Euromillions but you get it all on a Bella Italia gift card
95. You the realisation that modern day Satanism is actually a kinder and more forward thinking system of belief than Christianity
96. You the latest episode of The Life of Kylie that when played backwards reveals the nuclear launch codes
97. You the Sky News report about Princess Diana coming to you live from inside your granddad's skull
98. You birth certificate written in Comic Sans
99. You my boss' realisation that he's been paying me to write nasty things on the internet for the last 3 hours
100. You look cute today