We’ve all been there; the date’s going well, the conversation (and the wine!) are flowing, but you get to that inevitable part of the evening where you have to stick your nose and mouth on their sphincter and deeply inhale, but ...it just doesn’t tick your boxes?
Ass stench is obviously a concern for a lot of today’s coolest teens. Just one search of #HuffMyButt on TikTok yields millions of results! And it doesn’t help that Kylie Jenner brags on Snapchat that her pipe stinks like hot milk. So, do your guts smell appealing? Will lovers be drawn to it, or put off?
So many questions! Well, I have some answers! As a self-accredited ass scientist, I’m here to tell you what your ass stench says about you!
Petrol
Lucky you! Petrol is a much sought-after scent. This is likely to mean you’re left handed, gullible and work in finance.
Most compatible with: Velux blinds salesmen and Christians!
Cats
Meow! This sexy scent often gets your lover’s eyes watering and their prehensile tail wagging! You’re likely a go-getter with loads of teeth!
Most compatible with: Fairground carnies and people who have never heard of Julian Assange!
Metal
Get you! You’re a forward-thinking feisty little madam with more than a fleeting understanding of micro-biology.
Most compatible with: People who wear wetsuits and murderers!
Chanel No.5
Uh oh, one to watch out for! If your intestines reek of this recognisable perfume it usually means you’re a kleptomaniac! Empty your pockets, sister! That, or you should get checked for bowel cancer.
Most compatible with: Nazis and Geminis!
Skips
Ohh la la! If your taint toots have a prawny twang you're likely an avid rock climber and can only express yourself by screaming!
Most compatible with: Paramedics and people attempting to turn their life around following a debilitating curse.
Bisto
Nothing like snorting a snoot and getting a few beefy granules up your brain to make you feel alive! If your cave coughs smell like this popular dinner time treat then you're likely someone who has never felt another human's embrace but has been near a yacht!
Most compatible with: Men with one thumbnail that's just a bit too long and dead people!
Hair
Yum yum! Who doesn't love inhaling hair? Hair is a classic scent typical of women who always know what the time is and men who are constantly underground. This scent is likely to get heads turning and nostrils flaring!
Most compatible with: Incredibly elderly men and incredibly stupid women!
Morgan McMichaels
It is not uncommon for your downstairs mouth to smell like this former Rupaul's Drag Race contestant. This often means your feisty, free-spirited and full of mites.
Most compatible with: Women who can't read and magicians!
Pokémon Blue
Did someone say #ThrowBackThursday!? If your mucky musk is reminiscent of this 1996 Nintendo game you're likely to draw in the crowds! People will be lining up for a butt blast with a retro feel! You're likely to be someone who can't deal with the oppressive weight of the world and has regressed to a childhood state. Bazinga!
Most compatible with: Men who immediately take their shirt off when it gets above ten degrees.
Blood
Whoops! You might just have ‘roids sweetie. If your lover comes away from a butt huff with a bloody nose it could be haemorrhoids! Never fear though, there is still hope! A lot of Scorpio men find bustin’ ‘roids over dinner a big turn on!
Most compatible with: Scorpios and wild dogs!