Whether you like it or not, Married at First Sight: Australia Season 6 is the best TV show ever made. Sorry, sad but true! It’s full of high stakes juice, deceit, atrocious tattoos, unchecked psychopathy, toxic heterosexuality, narcissism, farmers, white nonsense and wildly varying definitions of ‘love’. I mean, literally what more could you want!? If this is your first whiff of this show (and it shouldn’t be), the basic concept is that over eight million sad singles get paired by relationship “experts” and first meet at the altar on their wedding day. Yes, this is the sacred institution that Christians are worried gay people will destroy! The very same! What follows is a series of dramatic dinner parties, illicit affairs, explosive fights, more ad breaks than actual content and potentially… a happily ever after (lol jk!!!!!)
Anyway, the meat of this show is the endless stream of nightmarish spouses who plague my every waking thought. They range from chaotic good to merciless eldritch beings, so naturally, I decided to rank them. So, here we go, the Married At First Sight: Australia, season 6 contestants ranked from best spouse to worst:
25. Heidi
Occupation: DJ, Hair Model, Light of Our Lives
Marriage Potential: 10/10
Heidi is undoubtedly the best option here. She’s a caring, open-hearted, joyful person and just deserved so much more than a two-month long Jason Statham gaslightathon. It’s alarming that the show portrays her as the difficult one in the relationship when the core of it is Heidi saying “Mike upsets me constantly and makes me feel bad” and Mike goes “I’ve never done anything wrong in my life” and refuses to move on it. Heidi then has to visibly repress these concerns and just get over it, Mike probably thinks introspection = girl so just doesn’t bother. Heidi is always the one left with the dramatic window-gazing montages as she tries to justify to herself that even though Mike isn’t interested in her interests, past or basic human needs - maybe he could still be a good partner? Wildly almost everyone (minus maybe Jules?) doesn’t see an issue with this and even more alarmingly, the ‘experts’ constantly accuse Heidi of self-sabotage whilst bargain bin Crank just sits there and patronisingly nods his dumb head. The icing on the cake was the truly insane scene in the final dinner party where Heidi, on her last dregs of life force, seemingly accepts ALL blame for their failing relationship and Mike goes “yes, brilliant”. Then when Heidi simply goes “well maybe you have to accept some of the blame seeing as you are a conscious adult living in the world, affecting things around you” he storms out of the room, unable to entertain the concept for a single second.
Heidi is an angel, she’s got great hair and she deserves to be in a relationship with a kind, considerate person. Mike deserves to be fired out of a cannon into a distant sun.
24. Cyrell
Occupation: The Punisher
Marriage Potential: 10/10 if you’re good, Ivan/10 if not
Cyclone Cyrell is truly the embodiment of ‘chaotic good’. If Cyrell gets a whiff of injustice she will flip a fucking table and rip your extensions out whether you have them in or not. This may not have worked for boring Nic but it works for me, sis. Go absolutely off, get your life. I just love a girl who is constantly willing to jeopardise her marriage to get to the bottom of a petty rumour. Is it resolved with a stern word in private? Nope, it’s a physical confrontation in which she smashes your property after gaining access to your home. And you know what? That’s something to be celebrated. She’s a force for good whether she comes swinging for you at a dinner party or not.
23. Martha
Occupation: Founder and CEO of the Rumour Mill™
Marriage Potential: 8/10
It’s recently been brought to my attention (I looked on Twitter) that no one likes Martha. Obviously I can’t understand this because I think she’s perfect. Was she snakey to Tamara for not telling her about Dan’s affair? Yeah maybe, but Jess is her girl and one thing you cannot say about Martha is that she isn’t a good friend. Martha’s loyal, Martha will stick up for you, Martha will shout down an angry man on your behalf even though you’re objectively in the wrong, Martha will dunk a glass of red wine on your head if you talk shit about her husband. She’s glamour, she’s fashion, she always comes correct. What can I say, I love a glamorous villain.
22. Billy
Occupation: Stress head, Sweetener Enthusiast
Marriage Potential: 7/10
Ok, I love Billy. I know he’s a wet wipe but his internal chaos and sad little face charm me, I can’t lie. He seems nice enough, he’s cute and he also appears to live with a sinister gentleman who takes nude photos of him. Love that. Sweetenergate was hectic as fuck but if Susie was in my home I’m sure I’d behave just as erratically. Pitched to us as calm, kind and patient, the poor lad gets put through it and is driven to ruin in just a few short days. Billy even endearingly fumbles his triumphant ‘fuck you’ moment once he reaches breaking point, and for that reason he is a relatable, chaotic himbo and we love him.
21. Lauren
Occupation: Bisexual Deviant
Marriage Potential: 7/10
I love that Lauren comes in as a sweet girl paired with a shy virgin and we’re all expecting the classic boring ‘patient woman helps the guy find himself’ arc but no, twist! She’s a polyamorous, bisexual deviant! Generally if someone discloses their bisexuality these days it’s met with an “oh cool”, but this is Married At First Sight Australia so we’re treated to extensive shots of Matthew sat bolt upright at the end of his bed blinking in terror for hours. Her entire “coming out” is handled… troublingly, to say the least. Sure Lauren could have been more vocal about her needs but their entire storyline is very clearly focused on Matthew’s anxiety and sexual trepidation so you can hardly blame her for leaving this out until he was ready. She was a hell of a lot more patient than I would have been with a man who’s idea of ‘spicing things up’ is to ask you what your favourite colour is. Lauren’s needs aren’t even exotic, she’s just a woman who knows what she likes sexually. Matthew’s response is to tell everyone he doesn’t find her attractive, right in front of her and for that, he can go fuck himself. Or his version of fucking himself which is to sit in silence at the end of his bed, fully clothed in silence for 7 hours. Anyway, Lauren I hope you’re sucking and fucking your way through the Gold Coast as I write this, good luck with the swingers club.
20. Michael
Occupation: Martha’s Husband
Marriage Potential: 8/10
Michael is high up this list because he’s polite, he’s nice to Martha and he’s the only man on the show (and in Australia?) that actually seems to like women. Unlike the other husbands who feel the threat of emasculation so strongly that they always behave like rabid mutts about to get sliced at the merest mention of anything ‘girly’; Michael is chill to do a face mask, paint a nail and wear a loud print. It’s the bare fucking minimum but still.
19. Ning
Occupation: Intimacy Coach
Marriage Potential: 6/10
I like Ning but if I have to ever hear about her and Mark’s almost there/ not quite there/ maybe there/ maybe tonight/ I’ll wear that red dress/ maybe in the treehouse?/ oh wait never mind/ ‘intimacy’ drama ever again I’ll walk into the ocean and never look back.
18. Tamara
Occupation: Brown Haired Woman
Marriage Potential: 5/10
Tam seems cool. A casualty of some truly juicy trash TV drama. I’m glad that she got her justice in the end.
17. The Waiter
Occupation: Waiter
Marriage Potential: 5/10
Like a nervous little Pokémon, the mysterious waiter is only able to say a single phrase, and that phrase is "dinner is served", which is personally one of my favourite phrases to hear. Despite his lack of charisma and stage presence, the waiter still fills a vital role in the show (and in our hearts). I can only think of the hours upon hours he spent on his sommelier course to pair the perfect, well aged cabernet with the main only for Martha to dunk it all on Cyrell's head. True MVP really.
16. Nic/Mark/Mike/Mick
Occupation: Man
Marriage Potential: Sure?
Nic was a good guy, I think? He was a bit of a sap but generally didn’t do much wrong, he’s chill. He was good to Cyrell and that's all I care about. Soz bout Ivan, hun.
15. Bronson
Occupation: Boats
Marriage Potential: Boats
Lol poor guy. Bronson seems sweet but sadly for him and his family, his role on the show is merely to be a tribute to a netherworld entity known as ‘Ines’. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with stripping or owning multiple boats (I have no idea what his business is), this displeased Ines so she proceeded to slowly suck Bronson’s soul out of his skull. Bronson is a sweet himbo and I wish him all the best, but at a certain point you have to be like “this woman objectively hates me I probably should go home now”. Come on, bud.
14. Dino
Occupation: NSA Worker/ Spirit Vessel
Marriage Potential: The/Void
Oh my god remember Dino? Dino’s whole vibe was like if an intergalactic life form inhabited the body of a muscled-up Aussie bro, but in a kind of uncanny way that gives him the slightly off physicality of the cockroach man from Men In Black. He has eyes like space crystals and the personality of a Clinton's greeting card. He’s the kind of man who’d get you up at 6am to visit a nesting bird he was friends with and then go home and lose a toe ring in you. Good for him.
13. Jules & Cam
Occupation: NPCs
Marriage Potential: Snooze/Snore
OK lol, we get it. Jules & Cam are the smarmy couple at the beginning of all romcoms who are solely there to make the protagonist jealous. They’re attractive, presumably well off and completely besotted with each other, it’s like, I know that’s the ‘point’ of this show but can you give us something else? The nearest thing they have to an argument is when Cam beats Jules at clay pigeon shooting which is the most Tory relationship drama I’ve ever heard. Also Cam, the fucking speeches babe. Come on.
12. Elizabeth
Occupation: The Bride of Chucky
Marriage Potential: 2/10
These two statements can be true simultaneously: 1. The way that Elizabeth was treated by Sam was appalling, 2. Elizabeth lost the personality lottery. I do honestly feel bad for her, the way she was treated was repulsive. Like Cyrell, she was a chaotic force for good (emphasis on chaotic) but yeah, she’s just someone I could not spend an extended period of time with. She got her justice and I hear she came back for Season 7, good for her.
11. Melissa
Occupation: The Count
Marriage Potential: 2/10
Melissa's arc is just 'I am loud and my husband is weird', they kind of disappear midway through and you'd be hard pressed to care. Melissa is one of those people who talk constantly but has nothing to say. Sure, she was paired with an objective weirdo who recorded her private conversations, but she wasn’t exactly in it to win it herself. Dino came out with some nutty stuff occasionally but Melissa reacted to outlandish concepts like yoga or meditating like she was being forced to join a shit-eating cult at gunpoint. Come on board a little bit, mate.
10. Jessika
Occupation: Self-Serving Brat, Ruiner of Men (But in like a fun, flirty way!)
Marriage Potential: No no no no/10
Every preconceived notion that you would have about someone who spells Jessica with a ‘k’ is proven correct. Jess is a glamorous, selfish nightmare and you know what? I love it. Once Ines left I did feel a void and Jess clearly sensed that energy from me (from across the other side of the world and two years in the future) so she did what? She stepped the fuck up. Jess x Dan wasn’t as juicy as the Ines/Bronson/Sam/Elizabeth hellstrom but it’ll absolutely do thank you very much. Obviously I was sad for Tam who shouldn’t have been treated like that, but there’s something about Jess keeping Mick captive in a tiny flat for weeks on end under the guise of ‘saving their friendship’ then not even bothering to contact him outside of the requisite filmed events, that is… really funny? I’m sorry it’s just quite funny. She’s a morally dubious, lying narcissist but was I on her side every single time Mike opened his mouth? Yes I fucking was.
9. The Fates
Occupation: Benevolent Observers
Marriage Potential: I bet they’re all single
Not much is known about these distant figures. All we do know is that they will observe the couples until they all die. “John” is the one who interacts with them the most; I want to say... “Mel”? seems to have an interest in watching them all fuck, and then the other one is on hand to have blonde hair (it’s Australian TV, I think they have a quota). Watch as they give bizarre advice, match sociopaths with good-natured people so they can “learn empathy” and always side with the men no matter the context. Seriously, have these people ever seen a functioning relationship? Stop trying to make Heidi and Mike happen, it’s not going to happen!!!
8. Mark/Mick/Nic/Mike
Occupation: Stressed out Dad that just wants everyone to put their shoes on and get in the car already.
Marriage Potential: 1/10 I aint fixin ur life for u bud
Ok this is just someone’s dad? Why are you pairing Ning with one of the crew members’ dads? I am j’confused by this. Also why does Mark appear to live in a showroom with absolutely nothing in the cupboards but party cups? I didn’t enjoy how this was portrayed as endearing. Do Straight men literally wait until they’re 40 for a woman to come along and like… buy food for them? All Ning got out of those two months was a free personal training session where a man screamed at her for an hour and then sulked. You really out here trying to give people advice when your internal life is this barren? Buy some fucking cutlery you child.
7. Dan
Occupation: Swamp Owner
Marriage Potential: No/No
Ok what…… was the appeal, Jess? Spell it out sis. Dan is a yellow-bellied cur with the personality of a driveway. He also looks like human Shrek in Shrek 2 but the bottom half of his face is out of sync with the top half where his dead, black shark eyes live. Was this man really worth it? No! Also CHRIST the tattoo on his chest!! This TV show is essentially a parade of the world’s worst tattoos but can you imagine riding Dan and looking down and seeing a haunted child’s face on his boob? Jess, run for the hills you mad bitch.
6. Mick/Nic/Mark/Mike
Occupation: Cuck
Marriage Potential: Cuck
Mick was cast as the likeable everyman of the show and it is for that reason that I hate him. I would also be really upset and mugged off if I was him but at the same time, Martha’s right, you’re going on this kind of reality show, what did you really expect? Mick’s one of those people that thinks it’s charming to make absolutely no effort whatsoever and honestly, I just find that a bit tiresome. You may have a twangy country accent but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to wash your clothes, sweatie. Mick also has that kind of thinly-veiled misogynistic worldview where he perceives everything that Jess likes (Instagram, wearing nice clothes, general hygiene) as feminine and frivolous and therefore constantly makes fun of it. I know what Jess did to him was objectively bad and he had every right to be upset but Mick also sucked a bit too. Like Michael having the gall to wash his hair and put on an ironed shirt sent such seismic rifts through this group of unkempt men that their only go-to is accusing him of being whipped. Boring. Mick’s boring.
5. Matthew
Occupation: Virgin
Marriage Potential: 1/10
Matthew is so far down the list because he tried to squeak by as a harmless little sweetheart but NO! I clocked you, you strange little tin man. I know he suffers from anxiety and I realise how crippling that can be, but anxiety didn’t make you reveal your lack of attraction to Lauren at the dinner party in front of everyone, it didn’t lead her on for weeks and make everything about you, it didn’t make you fail to ask her one personal question. That’s on you, little man. We were all patient with Matthew but after weeks of watching him sitting in silence with perfect 90 degree posture blinking into the void, that dwindled somewhat. Bye babe.
4. Ines
Occupation: Diablo!!!
Marriage Potential: -666/10
Nos eiciam vos de nobis, quicumque haec legis, Et spiritus immundi, omnis satanica potestates. Omnes infernales impletis, improbis legionibus necnon sectarum numerum pervenitur!
In nomine et virtute Domini nostri Jesu Christi, ut sit tibi Deus, eradicare et effugare ab ecclesia et ab animabus factus est ad imaginem et similitudinem Dei cónditis ac pretióso divíni Agni sánguini!
Serpens callidissime, decipere humanum genus te faciet ultra audes, Dei Ecclesiam persequi, ac Dei electos excutere et cribrare sicut triticum! Imperat tibi Deus altissimus regnum, et cui in magna tua superbia te similem haberi adhuc præsumis!
Ab insidiis diaboli, Libera nos, Domine. Ut Ecclesiam tuam secura tibi pax et libertas; Te rogamus, audi nos. Ut inimicos sanctæ Ecclesiæ humiliare digneris, ut, Te rogamus, audi nos!
3. Susie
Occupation: Netherworld Hun
Marriage Potential: Run/Away
Susie is a troubling combination of boring, basic and utterly devoid of human empathy. Little Miss Live Laugh Lucifer is matched with poor sweet Billy who really doesn’t deserve her unrelenting, boring cruelty. I love that the homestay portion of the show is meant to be a fun insight into what life would be like with your respective partner and Susie uses that opportunity to make Billy pick up her giant dog’s shit. I imagine that’s a fairly good representation.
2. Sam
Occupation: Villain
Marriage Potential: Kill/ Me
What an absolute cunt. Sam’s journey started off with him saying Elizabeth was “too big” to be with (in what world!!???) and just plummeted face-first downhill from there. He’s a smug, slimy, egotistical, misogynist and everything that comes out of his mouth is a shithead lie. He’s the kind of entitled manchild that goes around casually fucking with people without consequence and either lies through his teeth or laughs in your face when confronted. A charming, three dimensional human man living in the world! He’s also just straight up a coward, not even bothering going to the reunion to face the music. I hope you remain alone forever, it's what you deserve x
1. Mike/Mick/Nic/Mark/Satan
Occupation: Pondscum
Marriage Potential: No human need ever be shackled to this beast.
Mike is the villain of our lives. He is a condescending monster who does absolutely nothing nice, refuses to learn and expects the world. If I have to watch that man shirk responsibility with an arrogant little tilt of his stupid head one more time I will kill myself and everyone in my local area. Mike is an arrogant, entitled, misogynistic, shallow bully who all women need to immediately file a restraining order against. Ideally if the court systems grant this, Mike will only be able to occupy a remote crop of land in a distant sea, which is where he belongs. You’d think this time apart from civilisation would do Mike a world of good but unfortunately he has the shallow, cruel mind of an aged wasp and would exist for hundreds of years on contempt alone. Congratulations Mike, you’re the worst person in a cast of living nightmares, what a sad little life Mike.