Oscars 2018: mother!

"A couple's relationship is tested when uninvited guests arrive at their home, disrupting their tranquil existence. From filmmaker Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan, Requiem for a Dream), mother! stars Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer in this riveting psychological thriller about love, devotion and sacrifice."

I'M WRITING THIS ONE ALL IN CAPS BECAUSE THEY WROTE THE TITLE IN LOWERCASE AND I WANT TO BE CONTRARY. ALSO IT MADE ME SO ANGRY. OH MY GOD THIS FILM IS SO FUCKING BAD. I HATED IT SO MUCH. AND YEAH, I "GOT IT". AND YEAH I THINK ART HOUSE FILMS HAVE A PLACE IN MAINSTREAM CINEMA BUT THIS ISN'T AN ARTHOUSE FILM. THE GUY JUST DIRECTED FUCKING 'NOAH'. ART HOUSE IMPLIES THAT THIS FILM IS SUBVERSIVE AND INDIE AND DEALS WITH UNIQUE SUBJECT MATTER BUT THIS IS JUST A SCREECHING PILE OF MISOGYNISTIC BULLSHIT WITH THE DUMBEST CENTRAL METAPHOR EVER. SPOILER: IT'S ABOUT GOD. GOD IS A MAN AND AN ARTIST AND HIS HOT WIFE IS MOTHER EARTH AND SHE'S SAD BECAUSE EVERYONE'S SO SHIT TO THE EARTH AND THEY FUCK IT UP. THE END. THAT'S NOT CLEVER. THOSE MALE AND FEMALE GENDER ROLES ARE SO OUTDATED. ALSO FOR A METAPHOR TO BE A METAPHOR IT HAS TO WORK ON MULTIPLE LEVELS, THERE IS LITERALLY A BIT WHERE ADAM GETS HIS RIB OUT (FOR THE LADS) SO EVE SHOWS UP. THERE IS LITERALLY A BIT WHERE KRISTEN WIIG STARTS SHOOTING PEOPLE IN THE HEAD WITH NO EXPLANATION. THERE IS LITERALLY A BIT WHERE THEY EAT THE SON OF GOD AND THEN GET SAD AND PRAY ABOUT IT. IT'S NOT A METAPHOR ITS JUST A REALLY TRAUMATIC RE-TELLING OF THE OLD TESTAMENT WHICH INVOLVES CLOSE UP SHOTS OF JENNIFER LAWRENCE GETTING HER DRESS RIPPED OFF, HER HEAD KICKED IN AND CALLED A CUNT A BUNCH OF TIMES. IT'S NOT SMART. IT'S NOT GOOD. IT'S NOOOOTTTTTT FUCKING SUBTLE. IT'S A DUMB FUCKING ROCK OF A MOVIE PLEASE STOP COMPARING IT TO ANYTHING HALF DECENT. ALSO, USING THE 'CONTROVERSIAL' REACTION IN YOUR MARKETING CAMPAIGN IS DUMB N' ALL. PEOPLE DON'T HATE IT BECAUSE IT'S SURREAL AND INDIE AND TOO HARD TO UNDERSTAND, PEOPLE HATE IT BECAUSE IT'S SHIT!!!!!!! AND THE WORST PART IS YOU JUST KNOW HOW MANY DUMB MEN HAVE MANSPLAINED THE 'FINER DETAILS' OF THIS FILM TO THEIR GIRLFRIENDS (OR MUMS) THINKING THEY'RE SMART. NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS SMART. DAREN ARONOFSKY CLEARLY THINKS IT IS THOUGH. YOU CAN PRACTICALLY SEE HIS JIZZUM ALL OVER THE SET IF YOU SQUINT. HE THINKS THIS IS HIS MASTERWORK. I'D RATHER WATCH DIRTY GRANDPA. IF THIS GETS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR THEN ART IS DEAD.

Jennifer Lawrence is actually quite good in it though.

WHO THIS FILM IS FOR:

That one guy in your film class who gesticulates with an egg sandwich and thinks Fight Club is niche.

WHAT THIS FILM DOES WELL:

Sound design tbf, it sounds real good.

WHAT THIS FILM DOESN'T DO DEAD WELL:

Metaphors. Story. Plot. Themes. Symbolism. Gender Politics. The Bible.

WHAT THIS FILM IS COMPARABLE TO:

That same guy from your film class breaking into your house dressed as Rambo and cumming on all your family photos.

WEIRDEST MOMENT:

They eat a baby? That kinda sucked.

OSCAR POTENCH?:

Not unless my year 12 film project, which was just lots of shots of my friend taking an overdose to a Radiohead song, is also eligible.