Oscars 2018: The Shape Of Water

"Elisa is a mute, isolated woman who works as a cleaning lady in a hidden, high-security government laboratory in 1962 Baltimore. Her life changes forever when she discovers the lab's classified secret -- a mysterious, scaled creature from South America that lives in a water tank. As Elisa develops a unique bond with her new friend, she soon learns that its fate and very survival lies in the hands of a hostile government agent and a marine biologist."

The Shape Of Water is pretty lush. I'm not sure if it's a direct sequel to the video of that monkey having sex with that frog or if it's a reboot, but either way if you liked that, you'll love this. So much mammal-on-amphib action. The film follows a lady who can't speak and a fishman who also can't speak, plus hasn't got skin, and their burgeoning silent, half-skinless romance. Obviously, being a "non traditional" love story there are the *aagh! society!* moments along the way and no one even cums in a peach in this one.

Sally Hawkins is enchanting as the mute, Elisa and Octavia Spencer reminds us all how good Octavia Spencer is, but that goddamn fish. Bruh. Doug Jones is a talent but this is still very The Pale Man mixed with some kind of slimey dog person. Don't get me wrong, I am all for him laying eggs in her and them living in the Hackney Wick canals together but I just couldn't shake that scene from Pan's Lab where he ate those poor fairies. There are a lot of connections to Del Toro's other films here, mainly Pan's Labyrinth because the main characters have the same hairstyle. Also, what is it with Del Toro and making someone get their face all mashed up in the rain. That classic Del Toro mix of gorgeous, enchanting fairytale whimsey mixed with some dude coming along and throwing his minging pus fingers on Octavia Spencer's living room floor for a laugh. I mean that's probably how the real world works too now that I think about it.

Anyway, go see the Shape Of Water. It's not for everyone. My mate Kat just bluntly told me 'nah, it were shit, watch it online and save yer money' but I earnestly went to the cinema alone as a late Valentine's Day present to myself, surrounded by everyone who forgot to pre-book for Black Panther and had a lovely time.

WHO THIS FILM IS FOR:

Cool teens who know how to get freaky.

WHAT THIS FILM DOES WELL:

Realistic depicitions of water and loneliness.

WHAT THIS FILM DOESN'T DO DEAD WELL:

Bright colours and CGI fish penises.

WHAT THIS FILM IS COMPARABLE TO:

A thicc chunk of Pan's Labyrinth, a healthy dose of Amelie, a sprinkling of Bioshock and a hearty dose of those videos you come across sometimes on PornHub where someone's animated loads of CGI animals fucking on a spaceship.

WEIRDEST MOMENT:

Like how many eggs does she actually need, really.

OSCAR POTENCH?:

Best director for sure. I'd love for Greta to take this home but it's looking like it's gunna be our lad, GDT and I'm OK with that.