Goodness I'm excited by the Oscar nominees this year. Which yellow kleenex under your nephew's bed is going to win the biggest prize in film? How many more votes did Tarantino's 3 hour tribute to Himself feat. Feet get than the 700 other, better, films made this year? How did the critically acclaimed Little Women seemingly manifest out of thin air with no director? How much harder do women, POC and queer people have to work than white men to get recognised by an esteemed academy of Weinstein apologists? When did creativity die? When will gritty, R-rated origin stories about children's characters stop being financed? Only time will tell.
To help the academy, as always, I have ranked the Best Picture nominees from worst to best. As always, this is an objectively factual, ranked list and if you disagree with me it's not my fault you're wrong.
786. Joker
As I lay, triggered, I contemplated what I had just watched. Ostensibly, Joker is a film about class: how an unfair society chews good people up and spits them out, degrades them and forces them into criminality. Good. Timely, even. But if you want a brilliant take on that theme, watch Parasite. Don't watch a comic book origin story from the mind that brought you the Hangover trilogy. I know people develop as artists and can move on to greatness but Todd Phillips isn't one of those people. Todd Phillips is a sneering, entitled, talent-void who has made a pretty film (with an undoubtedly solid Joaquin Phoenix performance) that says absolutely nothing.
I'll admit that I went into this film a bit biased, I'm #TeamHarley after all :P but also because the Joker doesn't really appeal to me as a character. In a time when emboldened white men with unchecked mental illnesses and God complexes enact revenge on a society that is completely built by and for them, are a tad rife, I don't want that in escapist entertainment. I'm watching Joker and can't help be acutely aware of how many school shooters and presidents will look to this sad little clown man as a hero. The film's success is now seen as evidence of a 'win' by legions of alt-right, edgelord manchildren online but what I'm trying to understand is what that 'win' is? Who is this trying to take down? The establishment? Or outraged snowflakes who don't like naughty films? Because what you've got here isn't actually a very edgy film. To be edgy you have to challenge something in a daring way, surely? Speak truth to power? The 'power' in this film is so simplistically drawn that it renders anything the character does meaningless. Every single person in the film is cartoonishly abusive, cruel or deliberately unhelpful to a point that it doesn't seem to be an indictment of any recognisable society that exists in the real world, more of just a vague shot at individual elites? So is the message to eat the rich and tear down the establishment (here for it) or just also be an asshole and kill random unrelated people? What are you SAYING, Todd? Help me understand! Is the Joker a socialist? Please DM me.
I think what this film thinks it is and what it's avid fans interpreted it as, are entirely different to what it actually turned out to be. A man who has clearly never had to think deeply about these themes could never make a meaningful film about class or societal exclusion, and you can tell. It's meandering and shallow with no idea where to aim the gun. I could practically hear Todd Phillips muttering "triggered yet, u little lib fag?" from behind the camera the whole time. Yes, Todd! I am triggered! But not because what you've made is challenging or edgy, but because it's supremely mediocre and has been nominated for 11 Oscars! Alas. Slightly worrying that the academy are trying to appease the type of people who named this their film of the year. Coming soon to an elementary school near you. Invest in some Kevlar.
785. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood
When I was 15 I liked Tarantino a lot. I probably would have said he was my favourite director? I have a Pulp Fiction poster and had that Chuck Berry song as my ringtone for most of year 10. A true fan. Unfortunately as I grew up his films got worse and I've not really considered whether I've just got older and less interested in him or they've actually just got worse. I think both. For the record, I do really like Jackie Brown, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and both Kill Bills. They're a tonne of fun and always feel so 'cinema'. Tarantino for me, was untouchable. Then came Death Proof (meh), Inglorious Basterds (yeh), Django (nah) and Hateful Eight (what) and now we have... whatever this is.
I'm not trying to be contrary or annoying but I do genuinely not understand why this film has been so well received. I was really sold on the idea of a Tarantino take on the 'death of old Hollywood', who better than someone who is defined by his cine-literacy and stylised nostalgia? But fucking hell this film is soooooooo booooooring and BAD. As soon as the film ended I turned to my friend to be like 'fucking hell that sucked' just as two men behind me went 'Wow, I loved that!'. Am I missing something? Did you fall asleep and have a really interesting dream? It would probably be more restrained than this bloated carcass.
The plot is: Sharon Tate moves in next door to a fading actor who then proceeds to never speak to her and instead talks to his stunt double for 7 hours about himself, then goes to work and acts for 7 hours and talks to another person for 7 hours about how his first take was bad and his second take was good. Meanwhile the stunt double re-tiles his roof I think?, implies he murdered his wife with a harpoon gun, beats up Bruce Lee and then meets the Manson Family and nothing of consequence happens. Sharon Tate buys a book and goes to her own movie and takes her shoes off. Then the Manson family come to kill Sharon Tate but get distracted by out of work actor, who's stunt double proceeds to brutally kill them with his dog. Out of work actor uses a flamethrower to kill one of them in a pool. Sharon Tate then goes 'oh how weird' and then they go round to hers for tea. (Spoilers) Why is that a good plot for a film? Can you honestly tell me if anyone but Tarantino pitched that it would even get green lit? Am I missing something!? Help me!!
702. Jojo Rabbit
Jojo Rabbit attended the same critical thinking workshop as Joker apparently. If you make Hitler and the Nazi's buffoonish and silly, it not only undermines the victims of the holocaust but also the seriousness with which we should treat indoctrination and fascism as a (very real and current) threat. To play this as a lighthearted, goofy comedy is a gross misstep as it implies that anyone with any sense would of course point out that these silly idiots are in the wrong. "I would never fall for that!" they muse as they retweet the latest harsh BuzzFeed roast of a Trump tweet. The danger of this shallow 'satire' of fascism is that it lets people unthreatened then and unthreatened now, laugh at the silly nazis and pushes the seriousness of creeping fascist rhetoric to the realms of outlandish fantasy.
I like Taika Waititi and do think this film is funny if you look past the glaring hole at its core (lol). It's the kind of silly comedy that I would have loved ten years ago when I was a teenager and didn't think too much about the world (and we weren't slowly sliding down the hill towards authoritarianism). It bums me out that I've seen similar criticism of Jojo Rabbit online and almost everyone has abjectly shut down that conversation without a second's thought, accusing people of being too 'woke' (stop using that word, white people) or 'missing the point'. It's this kind of laziness and complacency that allows history to repeat itself but then again, how can you blame it if this we represent it this thoughtlessly?
TLDR; Taika Waititi and Rebel Wilson will be directly responsible for WW3.
492. Ford v Ferrari
No.
345. 1917
Sam Mendes hasn't made a good film since American Beauty and you can't watch that now because there's a paedophile in it. Shame this isn't very good either.
189. Marriage Story
This picture is such a good summation of this film. A whiny, petulant man is whiny and petulant for 2 hours whilst Scarlett Johansson establishes that she doesn't suit a mom bob. Noah Baumbach is clearly talented at... something? He made Frances Ha and I quite liked that? But Christ. This film. Mumblecore's answer to Kramer v Kramer? I can imagine Lena Dunham really liked it, it's that sort of vibe? Laura Dern is great in it but Laura Dern would be great if you cast her opposite Baga Chipz in a pantomime about a talking haemorrhoid, that doesn't really get you extra points. It's just insipid, overwritten, indulgent and boring and I'm not that arsed about it, soz.
29. The Irishman
The long film is OK.
4. Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat
Skimbleshanks the railway cat, the cat of the railway train. There's a whisper down the line at eleven thirty-nine when the Night Mail's ready to depart. Saying, "Skimble, where is Skimble? Has he gone to hunt the thimble? We must find him or the train can't start". All the guards and all the porters and the station master's daughters would be searchin' high and low. Saying, "Skimble, where is Skimble? For unless he's very nimble then the Night Mail just can't go". At eleven forty-two with the signal overdue and the passengers all frantic to a man. That's when I would appear and I'd saunter to the rear, I'd been busy in the luggage van. Then he gave one flash of his glass-green eyes and the signal went 'All clear'. They'd be off at last for the northern part of the Northern Hemisphere. Skimbleshanks, the railway cat, the cat of the railway train. You might say that by and large it was me who was in charge of the Sleeping Car Express. From the driver and the guards, to the bagmen playing cards. I would supervise them all, more or less. Down the corridor he paces and examines all the faces of the travelers in the first and the third. He establishes control by a regular patrol and he'd know at once if anything occurred. He would watch you without winking and he saw what you were thinking and it's certain that he didn't approve of hilarity and riot so that folk were very quiet when Skimble was about and on the move. You could play no pranks with Skimbleshanks he's a cat that couldn't be ignored so nothing went wrong on the Northern Mail when Skimbleshanks was aboard. It was very pleasant when they'd found their little den with their name written up on the door and the berth was very neat with a newly folded sheet and not a speck of dust upon the floor. There was every sort of light, you could make it dark or bright and a button you could turn to make a breeze and a funny little basin you're supposed to wash your face in and a crank to shut the window should you sneeze. Then the guard looked in politely and would ask you very brightly "Do you like your morning tea weak or strong?". But I was right behind him and was ready to remind him for Skimble won't let anything go wrong. Andrew Lloyd Webber flew to the UK from New York to vote in support of tax credit cuts for the working poor. When they crept into their cosy berth and pulled up the counterpane they all could reflect, that it was very nice to know that they wouldn't be bothered by mice. They can leave all that to the railway cat, the cat of the railway train. Skimbleshanks, the railway cat, the cat of the railway train. In the watches of the night, I was always fresh and bright. Every now and then I'd have a cup of tea with perhaps a drop of Scotch while I was keepin' on the watch, only stopping here and there to catch a flea. They were fast asleep at Crewe and so they never knew that I was walkin' up and down the station they were sleeping all the while I was busy at Carlisle where I met the station master with elation. They might see me at Dumfries if I summoned by police if there was anything they ought to know about when they got to Gallowgate there they did not have to wait for Skimbleshanks would help them to get out and he gives you a wave of his long, brown tail which says "I'll see you again". You will meet without fail on the Midnight Mail the cat of the railway train. You will meet without fail on the Midnight Mail the cat of the railway train.
3. All the Incredible Films Released This Year That Didn't Explicitly Target Dads And Therefore Were Overlooked
I know awards ceremonies are ultimately a masturbatory effort from a tight-knit group of the same men who are resistant to originality, creativity and diversity of thought and talent but it still sucks to see such an achingly predictable slew of garden-variety slop nominated for the 'biggest prize in film'. I know winning the Oscar doesn't mean a film is the best that year, I mean Green Book won last year, but STILL. There are few real surprises on the list, you have your typical 'established director submits whatever the fuck unedited, indulgent, longass mess he feels like and expects a nomination'; your obligatory war film; your wildly-misguided-film-about-a-deeply-repugnant-event-in-human-history-that-isn't-remotely-interested-in-exploring-its-subject-matter-in-any-meaningful-way; your boy biopic; your long heterosexual drama etc etc etc.
The only real surprises on this list for me are Parasite and Joker, one for its inclusion due to the academy's propensity for shunning a foreign language film in its own category and ignoring it, and the other for being attached to a genre that is often (rightly) overlooked. Interestingly, these two films are the perfect illustration of what is wrong with the industry; they both ostensibly deal with the same themes but the difference in quality is night and day. Joker is a cynical, shallow film about a failed comedian who blames the world for his failures, from a man who stopped making comedy films because 'political correctness has gone too far'. Parasite is a fantastic, seamless, viciously entertaining satirical masterpiece that happens to not be in English. Both are considered equivalents and Joker will probably win. This is the state of film, where everyone who isn't a white, straight man has to try ten times as hard to even be considered on the same level. It's like submitting the venus de milo for your Art A-level and being beaten by a boy who submitted a capri sun with cum on it.
1. Little Women & Parasite
Two of the films on this list are actually good! I think they both absolutely deserve it so they both get to be the best. They won't win, of course not, but I can dream!
Little Women builds on Greta Gerwig's immediately recognisable style and flow from Ladybird (Robbed!!!) and invites you in to such a warm, fully-realised world that I would happily spend The Irishman-lengths of time in it. A gorgeous, talented cast of brilliant women and Emma Watson trying her best, elevate every scene and give the material such vibrancy. Special shout out to Florence Pugh who I'm utterly obsessed with (me and my friend Kate are interested in creating a Florence-only streaming platform called The Pughniverse, please respond to my DM's, Florence. P.S. Zach Braff is gross), Amy was a standout for me, mainly because I'm definitely an Amy (Well, Amy sun, Jo rising, Meg's fabric-obsessed frenemy, moon). It is just a fantastically made, joyful film. Can't believe that no one directed it and the guy who made the Hangover is going to win that category :(
Parasite is actually not about little women at all, there's all sorts of different people of different sizes in it. It is a blistering class satire that is actually good! This is what a good film is like! Savour it! Fabulously acted, darkly hilarious, beautifully filmed with such insane care and precision and almost perfectly written. To say much about Parasite is to spoil it, you have to go in cold. Just know it's fantastically entertaining and a worthy winner.
Also Cats.
Justice for Mr. Mistofeelees!!!!!!
Eat child-mice!!!!!!
Compete for a chance to die!!!!!