Succeeding in business is the most important thing a person can do in their entire life. More important than squeezing out a wife and kids, more important even, than maintaining a healthy social life or a healthy your-own-body. Good business, as President RealDonaldTrump often shouts from the roof of Trump Tower, is the only tangible way of measuring a person’s worth. So how can YOU be good at business? Oh, I’m so glad you asked or this would have all been a total waste of time. Follow these simple steps, business friend!:
Be white!
Whiteness may seem like a curious thing to have to be to be good at business, but trust me, all the top businessmen agree. Preferably be so white that all your veins are visible, not only up close, but from across the street too. This also helps buxom ladynurses know where to jab the epi pen when you have your tri-annual heart attack.
Have a penis!
Size doesn’t matter in this instance, as long as you have testosterone pulsing through those gorgeous, visible veins of yours. Unlike oestrogen which makes you highly sensitive and emotional, testosterone helps you make those key business calls, like when you make the decision to call Kelly from legal a slut because she didn’t laugh at that joke you heard on Celebrity Juice and loudly repeated during a meeting. Or having the male confidence to turn that song off everyone else in the office was enjoying so you can give an informed lecture on what ‘real music’ is, before putting Oasis on again. And anyway, how can you be a businessman if you’ve got to shove a ‘wo’ in the middle of the word? It’s far too long and simply won’t fit on any business cards.
Be rich!
Like Trump often grunts during what he thinks qualifies as sex, “you have to have money to make money, baby!”. This is sound advice; having money means that when your ideas like "what if Dortitos had tits!?" don’t immediately turn into success, you have something to fall back on, like a big bed that’s made entirely of money. So when anyone throws around words like ‘undeserved’, ‘untalented’, ‘crushingly mediocre’ or ‘sex offender’ you can dismiss those claims by running them over in your new Merc.
Side note: Usually ‘be rich’ means that you have to have rich parents, which can be hard to accomplish if you weren’t born like that. If this is the case you can always try and ‘Annie’ the situation which is where you get adopted by an affluent stranger and have no pupils. But like, if Annie had a dick.
Be heterosexual!
Ok, I’ll level with you, being in business takes balls and as we all know, gay men don’t have physical human balls. You can usually suss out a gay man by loudly threatening to ‘whip the snake out’ in the break room and seeing which men look the most uncomfortable. Alternatively come into work in your gym gear and joking pretend to get changed in front of the office. Gay men will usually be the ones who say things like ‘I’ll email HR again’ or ‘No one wants to see your hernia scar, Dave’ which is gay code for ‘I’m chubbing up a storm down here’.
Be confident!
Confidence is key in business. Strong businessmen are possessed with the natural ability to look past any negative qualities they may have and act like they not only own the place, but the street and at least a good few acres of land in the surrounding area. Unlike inferior men and all women, a businessman sees his bloated red corpse of a body in the mirror and thinks “I am incredible, everyone wants to hear my opinions in all locations including cinemas and other people’s weddings and not only that but all women want to climb aboard this three-incher and if they don’t they’re a definite lez”. To have the ability to drag that sack of discount meat and bad ideas through life with the confidence of an Olympian is a powerful business skill.
Develop a strong LinkedIn presence!
LinkedIn is the first point of call for anyone who wants to succeed in business. Developing a strong profile is a must, must. Writing in a commanding first-person tone is crucial, statements like “I crushed the competition” and “I was the most valuable member of staff at this establishment” work well when describing your previous role doing gardening for £5 on a Saturday at your Grandma’s house. It is also advised to get endorsed for a variety of skills, from (not limited to) ‘Necking tins’, ‘Never missing leg day’ and ‘banter’. Actually, this doesn’t matter that much really because your Dad probably won’t read it before he hires you anyway.
Encourage chatter about shared interests!
It is always good to establish a tone of dominance in a work environment, even when your colleagues are just casually discussing hobbies and interests. If you see a group of less-alpha colleagues discussing a show you haven’t watched it may be a good idea to take over the conversation and align it to your own interests. Usually shouting about ‘sports’ works but sometimes it’s a good idea to bring up a an embarrassing event in the person’s life to derail them talking about whatever Orange is the New Black is. Similarly, outside of work during your office’s weekly visit to All Bar One it’s a good idea to go through colleagues’ Facebook profiles and loudly comment on how much you want to forcibly impregnate their female relatives. It shows that you’re both lively and fun but also vaguely threatening - key traits of any successful businessman!
And lastly - have fun!
Possibly the most important message to share! Business can be stressful at times, what with all that money your company lost or that catastrophic oil spill or those annoying charges of treason. Don’t fret, just keep on keeping on! You can always scapegoat one of the beta males anyway, remember this world is for you and you are the best and most important person in it! Happy business!